The Girl with the Lime Green Ribbon

Today marks the third year since being diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time. I'm the girl with the lime green ribbon. A lime green ribbon is symbolic of NonHodgkins Lymphoma.

In November 2000 (about two weeks before my birthday), I was diagnosed with NonHodgkins Lymphoma, a type of blood cancer. I was in stage 1 of the disease so I was prescribed 3 cycles of chemo (CHOP) and 2 weeks of daily radiation therapy. Aside from the discomfort of surgery, gaining a lot of weight from steroids, and losing my hair, I thought the treatments were not that bad. And I enjoyed over 4 years of relatively good health....relative being the key word! It was in September of 2005 after surgery to remove my spleen was when I discovered that my cancer had returned. I was no longer in remission! In fact, the cancer was so aggressive, placing me in stage 4 of the disease. Needless so say I was devastated. I underwent 4 cycles of aggressive chemotherapy called ICE. CHOP was a breeze compared to ICE. With CHOP I went in to the hospital as an outpatient. They hooked me up to the I.V. and I just sat there for 2 hours while I received chemo intraveneously. Shortly after that, I was home in the comfort of my own bed.

ICE was a whole other ball game. I was admitted to the hospital for a week. From the moment I was admitted, I received chemo intraveneously none stop until the day I was discharged from the hospital. Each drug made me sick and I spent a lot of time with my head bent in a bucket vomitting. Considering that I had no appettite and ate virtually nothing the whole time I was in the hospital, I often wondered, just what exactly was I vomitting out? Once I had a terrible reaction to a new Chemo drug called Rituxan. My body started to shake. I was shivering like I was cold. I felt so cold that the chill went right to my bones. A male nurse (now I wish I had remembered his name) came in to my rescue. He covered me with three heated blankets and gently told me that it wasn't going to help but it will comfort me (he was right). He took my blood pressure and it was off the charts (230/120). I was still shivering. Then he injected something into my I.V. and stayed with me until my shivering subsided. I will never forget his kindness.

Each time I received chemo, I was hospitalized for a week's time, and I would come home 10 pounds lighter. Imagine! I did 4 cycles of chemo in the span of 4 months. And in between each cycle, my immune system was so compromised that I was admitted into the hospital intermittently for all kinds of disorders like pneumonia, viral infections, bacterial infections...etc. My white blood cell count was so low that there were 2 occasions where I was admitted in a special room where I could not receive any visitors or flowers. They were the loneliest time of my life! Some of the chemo drugs also caused me to hallucinate. At one point, I woke up to find an old black man standing at the foot of my bed in a white shirt and grey pants. He appeared to be praying. I asked him who he was and he didn't move. I repeated myself two or three more times before the old man turned around and walked out of my room as a nurse was entering my room. I saw the old man disappeared into the nurse. I told the nurse what had happened. She told me that I was hallucinating because the chemo I was getting had that effect. It was literally a "trip"! Shortly after that I saw a tidal wave of blood swirling around on my ceiling. My hallucinations were intense but strange!

When the cancer cells were diminishing and my body was stronger, I received a bone marrow transplant. I was hospitalized for 14 days for my transplant because I had developed kidney failure. But by day 10 I was going crazy. I was not able to receive visitors, no flowers, no outside contact except for the few nurses and doctors that came to assess my condition. There were times when I wished I had not survived. I just wanted to be with people again....with my friends and loved ones. I missed my home. I missed watching TV (hospital TV sucked). I missed everything about my life. At that point I started to resent cancer. I was angry and I took it out on the nurse. Her name was Anne. I called her all sorts of names and yelled at her and pretty much cursed her to hell. Anne acted with the most kindness that until today I regretted taking it out on her. The next day, I apologized to Anne but Anne simply told me that it was all part of her job and I wasn't the first person to have "unloaded" on her. Still....I was ashamed of what I had done.

Now those days seem like a decade agao, but I still remember them and often I shed a tear or two when I think about how close I was to death and that my fight with cancer is not over. Any day I can regress. I would not recommend cancer to anyone but with all bad comes good and for all my struggles with cancer, God has blessed me with some of the best things in my life. I can't complain!

Hugs to you all!